Sunday, December 28, 2008


I simply have no fucking luck. I decided to go to the mall today and return some presents that Tim did not care for. Parking was a total nightmare, but as I was walking in I passed a very handsome Latin guy who looked very familiar to me. It then hit me! It was Bi-Sexual Boyfriend! Now, I have to give it up for Bi-Sexual Boyfriend-- as I never thought of him as being so nice looking. It was a matter of minutes until I saw the Quilter--who gave me a venomous look of hate. With that, I began to attack myself--I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, etc. I haven't shaved in weeks, I have a pot belly, I didn't comb my hair, and I looked like shit! This was the last thing that I wanted to see.

Thursday, December 25, 2008


Tim bought me this wonderfully terrible gay comedy called THE GAY BED AND BREAKFAST OF TERROR DVD for Christmas and I loved. Pure camp and it is so stupid--which makes it so great!

Loss of a Diva

Rest in peace..

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


Dear Santa Claus,

Ever since I was a little boy I have only wanted one thing: DEATH STAR SPACE STATION. I know you must have your reasons (I haven't been all that bad, have I?), but every night before Christmas I always hope to see it under my Christmas tree and it is never there. I hope tomorrow that when I wake up, it will be wrapped up and waiting for me.

Your pal.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008


I don't know about you all, but I loved the KILL BILL movies. I was depressed (again) today, so I popped the movie in and it actually made me feel better. I sometimes feel like I struggle so much to maintain my sanity, but while I watched the movie I was able to let go of my problems and relax my mind for a bit. It was so nice.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


I just wanted to thank everyone for all of the kind letter and words of encouragement (especially my pal Vyktor, who has been a cheerleader of mine since this whole mess started!) that many of you have given me. Yes, this is a dark period of my life--but I can and will get through it. I am so happy that Tim, Alex, Paul, and my folks have been supporting me through these dark times. I will survive this.


There were some pretty bad horror movies this year. I've decided to narrow them down to 3 movies that I just HATED:
PROM NIGHT: This one should have worked. The lead was strong, the soundtrack was decent, and the original Prom Night is a disco/camp classic. This one fell the second they turned it into a PG-13 dud. The killer was her teacher? Not even someone in a scary mask, but her science teacher?
HOUSE: I have no clue as to what a 'christian' horror movie even means. It was rated "R" for no reason at all. Sucked!
THE HAPPENING: The previews looked great, but the movie was one long joke. Mark Walberg was as believable as me dating a woman. Killer plants? Terrible.

Saturday, December 20, 2008


Quilter calls me yesterday because he claims that he wanted to hear from me that he wasn't supposed to talk to me. He told me that he has my HEROES season 1 and other items that he wants to give me. I told him that he should just give it to Alex. He then asked me why I was doing this--because it isn't fair to him. He asked me why did I kiss him that night and why couldn't I just have been his friend. He said that he misses coming over on Friday nights for scary movies and that he misses Alex and Paul (yes, he did mention Paul!). Quilter than said our timing was wrong and I told him that wasn't true--this entire time has been a joke because he is still in love with Bi-Sexual Boyfriend. He admitted to me being right. All this time that I thought he missed me and told me that he loved me was a LIE. He's always wanted to be with Bi-Sexual Boyfriend, but Bi-Sexual Boyfriend just doesn't want him. He then told me he had to go and hung the phone up on me. What I didn't realize was that Paul suspected it was Quilter on the phone and he was listening to our conversation. Later that night Paul and Alex asked me why I was talking to him, and I just lost it. I started crying and once again became very depressed. Paul was really pissed off at the Quilter because they had agreed that Quilter was not supposed to call me. Right now, I am really hurting. I'm sorta lost and just want the pain to go away. Sometimes I think that I am terrible person and that I deserve everything that happens to me. I hope the end of my story is near...

Friday, December 19, 2008


Although my afternoon with Paul and Alex was fun, it has slowly morphed into a really shitty night. I've been thinking a lot about some of the shitty choices that I have made in the past year. I will always remember 2008 as one of the worst years of my life. I blame this whole thing with Quilter on myself (yes, myself!) because all he originally wanted was all of us to be friends--but no, I had to fuck that all up and kiss him. Alex would argue with me and say that Quilter didn't exactly mind me kissing him, but I was the person in a relationship! I should have known better than that, but just because my relationship with_______ is passionless and we don't have a physical relationship, it gave me no right to jump on the first person who I felt some sort of a connection to. I know that I am dick. A big dick at that. _______takes such good care of me and tells me he loves me a lot, but I don't really return his feelings. I certainly don't want to turn into my parents, but I think that's the direction that _____ and I are headed in. I just feel so fucking depressed right now.


Nightcrawler--my favorite member of the X-Men.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


Men's Rap Group.
I think we need a dynamic name that's going to catch your eye and remember. Here is a list of possible names:
1. The Stonewall Society
2. The Culture Club
4. OUT Spirit
5. Men's Culture Club
6. Stonewall Syndicate
7. Club Cavalier
8. Northstar
9. Freedom Ring
10. Obsidian

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The End

Alex talked to the Quilter today about staying away from me and not making contact. Alex told me that he originally asked Quilter to meet for coffee, but Quilter told him that he was unavailable and to go ahead and tell him now. Although I don't remember what Alex told me about the conversation, I do know that he said that he would stay away from me and not contact me. I secretly wanted him to put up a fight for me, but he didn't. I tell myself that this is for the best, but in my heart I really don't feel that way. I wish my relationship with Tim was better. I wish I could lose some weight. I wish Quilter was the person I thought he was. This has been a hard day for me...

Monday, December 15, 2008

Halloween 2

It's Official! ROB ZOMBIE Is Back For HALLOWEEN 2!
Shock Till You Drop broke the news several weeks back, and now it's official! According to a post on Variety, it's been confirmed that Rob Zombie will in fact return to write and direct the sequel to his remake of John Carpenter's classic HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN 2 (going by the title H2)! Shooting begins in March of 2009 with an expected October 2009 release! (Good! Let's skip the August release this time around!) Tyler Mane is back as Michael Myers, and while yet-to-be confirmed, we expect Malcolm McDowell and Scout Taylor-Compton will also be back.
article says, "Dimension Films and Rob Zombie are teaming for another chapter of "HALLOWEEN," and he's racing to scare up the pic for release in October."
Zombie will write and direct "H2," the sequel to his 2007 reinvention of the John Carpenter horror classic. Production will begin in March.
The new film picks up right as the first remake ended, following the aftermath of Michael Myers' murderous rampage through the eyes of the sister he hunted.
Zombie said it won't resemble the original second installment, as the "House of 1000 Corpses" helmer continues to take the franchise in different directions.
Zombie took Carpenter's original and stamped it with an original storyline that treated Myers as a clinical psychopath. The film grossed $60 million domestically in 2007.
Zombie had told Dimension chief and TWC co-chairman Bob Weinstein he wanted nothing to do with a sequel. But just like the franchise's villain, Zombie was compelled to come back.
"I was so burned out. (But) I took a long break, made a record and I got excited again," Zombie said. "Now, we'll be hauling ass, and that's the problem making a movie called 'HALLOWEEN': If you come out Nov. 1 or after, nobody cares. If it was called anything else, I'd be fine."
Malek Akkad of Trancas Intl. Films will produce with Spectacle Entertainment's Andy Gould.
I actually like Zomibe's version of the movie--as I thought the acting was very good and it had a lot of scares in it. I will always love the original for the simple fact that it was so..raw.


I just saw the trailer for "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and I thought that it fucking rocked!

Sunday, December 14, 2008


My therapy session on Saturday was very long and intense. My therapist suggested that I bring Alex and Paul to the session, which I really didn't have a problem with. My friends revealed that they have been able to see through the many masks that I wear--which shocked me! I've always thought that I have been fooling them for years now. As they talked, I started to cry because I really thought that they bought my whole "I'm okay" mask all this time. I really lost it when my therapist brought up Quilter--because even though I know that they didn't like him, I never knew that they considered him to be "toxic" to my mental health. My therapist then said that while I am in treatment for my depression, she did not think that having a relationship (of any kind) with Quilter was helpful. I told them all that I wasn't able to do that--even though I have been telling all of you that I am able to put him in his place. My therapist then looked towards Paul and Alex and told them that if I had any chance of getting better, the Quilter had to GO. Alex and Paul assured her that they would take care of it. I am ashamed that I have been letting someone have that much control over me. I am ashamed that my friends have known the truth all of this time. I think that Alex is going to be the one who is going to tell Quilter to stay away, but I really don't remember all of the details. It means a lot to me that Paul and Alex were even willing to go to my session with me.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


Well, I went to the INSTINCT magazine party at The Factory in West Hollywood last night. Most of you know that I was very worried about everything, but it turned out to be very nice. None of the men who were the "MEN OF THE YEAR" were even at the party--which I found really odd. I did get to meet porn star ROMAN HART (who could not have been sweeter) and the gift bag was incredible. When the party died down, we walked to various clubs. The first one was called RAGE. I didn't mind the $12.00 to get in, but what really pissed me off was a Midori sour and a vodka tonic was $19.00! How in the hell do you boys in West Hollywood afford to drink when you are at the night clubs? Fuck that! A bottle of water was $5.00! I didn't like the club because there were so many kids running around (I found out later that it is a 18 and over club). Plus, the dance floor was packed and it was hotter than hell inside there! Also, does every song have to be a re-mix? Still, Alex can make any place fun so I really enjoyed his company. I also noticed that most of guys in West Hollywood are very thin and tan and they liked the company of other thin and tan guys, so I really didn't meet any new people. I'm glad I went though, because I had to get out of the house.

Friday, December 12, 2008

He's Back!

Platinum Dunes is going to continue its working relationship with Warner Bros. and New Line for A Nightmare on Elm Street.Since Comic-Con in July, it was unknown whether producers Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form were going to be involved in the reboot of the Freddy Krueger franchise. But today, Fuller and Form confirmed to that their deal is done. "It's our next movie," confirmed Form, "hopefully shooting this spring."Over the summer, Wesley Strick (Cape Fear) was attached to pen the script which is intended to re-imagine the dream-hopping teen killer. "It's like what we're doing to Friday the 13th," says Fuller. "It's not Freddy cracking jokes. We want to make a horrifying movie. The concept is so scary, don't fall asleep or you'll die. This guy gets you when you're most vulnerable, in your sleep. We love that. That's the basis of the movie. It'll be most similar to the first one but in terms of kills and dreams we'll borrow from the entire series."Shooting is expected to take place in the Chicago suburbs.Fuller adds that Warner Bros.' positive response to Friday the 13th was very helpful in getting Nightmare off the ground. Test screenings for Jason Voorhees' latest outing have reportedly gone over great.Addressing the great, incessant question: Will Robert Englund be back? Fuller and Form say they're seeking someone new to don the hat and red 'n green sweater, but they're hopeful Englund will be back for a part in the film.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


I know that I have been chasing after someone who cannot or will not be caught--and I have been allowing myself to go on an emotional roller coaster every time he returned to my life. I think I love Quilter, but I realized that Bi-Sexual Boyfriend was the one he really wants and I am going to lose to him every time. This has been tough dealing with Quilter and battling my depression, but I know I have done the right thing by telling him that this ride has to come to an end for me. I'm proud of myself. Tomorrow I am going to that fucking party as myself and I am going to ROCK IT!


I am so fucking nervous about the Instinct magazine party tomorrow! What do I talk about? I don't know very much about politics (but believe me I can talk about A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET all night), so let's hope that doesn't come up. What if my clothes are all wrong? I've seen REVENGE OF THE NERDS, people! I know what happens to the outsiders!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


I fear that I am losing my battle with my depression and that my world seems to be spiraling out of my control. I have to be honest and admit that I have been putting on a rather brave face lately because I know that's what I need to do in order to maintain the facade that I am getting better, when in actuality I feel that I am getting worse. I feel like I am losing control over so many things in my life and I just don't know how to stop it. I can't believe that I have allowed myself to "love" someone who treats me as badly as the Quilter does. I can't believe that I have betrayed ______'s trust in me many times over and yet each time he forgives me and wants this relationship to work. I often resent Paul and Alex, as I have tried to push them away from me, but they don't take the hint. I'm terrified of this big Instinct magazine party on Friday--because I don't know what to say to people, I'm terribly out of shape, and I just feel like a complete tool for even thinking that I would have fun. I don't think I want to leave the house if I don't have to, becuase the outside world scares me so much. I don't know..

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I am so glad this woman is not my mother...

"One of my daughters is a lesbian, I love her and her partner. But I do not believe their relationship is equal to mine and her father's. The Bible condemns homosexual sex, just as it condemns adultery or premarital sex. Sin is sin in God's eyes so sexual sin is the same as any other sin. Yes, God is love and He commands us all to love each other, and I work hard to do just that, So while I love my kid, I pray for her to set aside what I believe is sinful behavoir, and apologize to God for my own sins. I am gulity of many and cannot understand why He would sacrifice His own Son for me, but am so grateful that he did. "


The Quilter is up to his old tricks and here's the letter:

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't pass the test. You will next time. Hard to believe your parents have been married for 50 years. (Actually, I am surprised to!)That is amazing to me. Why are you surprised I talked to Sal about you? I have to be able to talk to him about people that are in my life. (Um, Bi-Sexual Boyfriend hates me!)I'm smiling about cuddling on snow days. I'm surprised to hear you say you drove by my condo on saturday. (Um, my doctor's office is on that street...)I was at a Christmas party. (With Creepy Chris Bob!)I wasn't going to tell you this because it makes me feel like a fool but....last weekend when I knew you were celebrating your bday a OCH I wanted to go and just walk in a dance with you. (You didn't have the balls, 'cause I didn't see you!)I had eaten dinner with chris and we saw a movie. (Poor Quilter! Chris Bob is CREEPY)He dropped me off a little after 9. I changed my clothes and started to drive down. I got to the grapevine and drove back. (Bullshit!)I regret it now but I was more worried about the shit you would take from a few of your friends (alex excluded) than anything. (Well, Alex isn't your biggest fan!)I should have just kept driving. One of these days though we will both stop worring about what everyone else thinks and do what we want. (I've been doing that since I was teenager) I feel so stupid for telling you that. I don't like seeing the "Chris doesn't give a fuck" on your page.(At times I don't!) What is that all about? Who's ass do I need to kick for you? LOL Just get on the treadmill and run out your frustrations so they don't eat at you. Thats what has really helped me. I hope you are okay! (I'm sure that you don't mean that!)

Monday, December 8, 2008


The Quilter and I haven't spoken in two weeks, which has led me to believe that he was no longer interested in tormenting me and had finally gotten back together with Bi-Sexual Boyfriend. Last night when I logged on to my MYSPACE account there was a letter from him which I present to you now:

Hey there. How are you? (crappy)Did you get your test results back from you test for the county?(Yup, I didn't pass) Im sure you did great. Hope all is going well for you. (Um, it takes all of my energy to get out of bed in the morning)It looks like you had fun at your birthday party at oil can's. (I really did enjoy myself)Can you guess what picture bothers me the most? (Not that it really matters)(I have no idea, but you are correct--it doesn't matter!) I think Im going to go and surprise Nathan for Christmas and fly up. Dont know yet tho. I hope your mom is doing well.(She's not, but that's life!) Work and life have been busy as usual. Im really trying to find the balance and have some sort of life. (Ah, I saw that when I fell into the clever trap that Creepstopher set for me. You guys don't look cute together.)It is very hard because some of the best times of my life were spending time with you and alex. I really miss those times! (You left us. We never left you.)Enough with the sentimental right? (Please!)I had a long and interesting talk with sal about you and I last week.(Why would Bi-Sexual Boyfriend want to talk about me?) The only questions that remains in my mind is WHY ------'- --- ---- -- -- ------? WHY --- --- ---- -- ---- -- ---- --- ---- ----- ---- ---? I really hope that I can find the answers.(Why, what?) I need to find and understand the answers to the questions. I want to be okay and I want you to be okay. I hope someday we can both be okay. (I will never be able to love you again.)You know how I feel deep down and I will always feel that way! Please know you are always in my thoughts! (Yeah, thanks for that!)

Friday, December 5, 2008


The Associated Press reports that Forrest J Ackerman, whose Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine made him one of the most important figures in the realms of horror, science fiction and fantasy, died yesterday at his home in Los Angeles of heart failure, at the age of 92. He had been in ill health for some time, and over the past month had begun saying his goodbyes to his many friends in the world of the fantastic.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


I am so excited!


The final issue of SECRET INVASION came out today and I still think that this whole invasion idea started out really interesting, but lost its way towards the end. First of all, was it necessary for _______ to die? _______ was the heart of the Avengers, but sadly the Avengers of present have little heart to speak of. The original Captain America is dead, the Scarlet Witch is a mess, and now _______ is too! I'm one of the few fans who like Spider-Man on the team--but Wolverine has to go! I want the Avengers' mansion with Jarvis back! I want a team with bright costumes who fight evil robots and other baddies!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Tonight was the first meeting of the Bakersfield Gay Men's Rap Group. The first thing I said was that I hated the name of the group--and at our next meeting we are going to vote on what we should be called. My suggestions are : THE STONEWALL SOCIETY, THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS, or CHRIS AND HIS AMAZING FRIENDS. I've never participated in such a group and I really am doubtful that this is going to work because everyone has their own agenda and their own ideas on what makes a group. One of the guys in the group was told by a member of the Bakersfield Lesbian Rap Group to remind us that we are their for community and not a bath house. What the fuck? That was so incredibly rude of this person to say.