Although my afternoon with Paul and Alex was fun, it has slowly morphed into a really shitty night. I've been thinking a lot about some of the shitty choices that I have made in the past year. I will always remember 2008 as one of the worst years of my life. I blame this whole thing with Quilter on myself (yes, myself!) because all he originally wanted was all of us to be friends--but no, I had to fuck that all up and kiss him. Alex would argue with me and say that Quilter didn't exactly mind me kissing him, but I was the person in a relationship! I should have known better than that, but just because my relationship with_______ is passionless and we don't have a physical relationship, it gave me no right to jump on the first person who I felt some sort of a connection to. I know that I am dick. A big dick at that. _______takes such good care of me and tells me he loves me a lot, but I don't really return his feelings. I certainly don't want to turn into my parents, but I think that's the direction that _____ and I are headed in. I just feel so fucking depressed right now.