FEAR

I fear that I am losing my battle with my depression and that my world seems to be spiraling out of my control. I have to be honest and admit that I have been putting on a rather brave face lately because I know that's what I need to do in order to maintain the facade that I am getting better, when in actuality I feel that I am getting worse. I feel like I am losing control over so many things in my life and I just don't know how to stop it. I can't believe that I have allowed myself to "love" someone who treats me as badly as the Quilter does. I can't believe that I have betrayed ______'s trust in me many times over and yet each time he forgives me and wants this relationship to work. I often resent Paul and Alex, as I have tried to push them away from me, but they don't take the hint. I'm terrified of this big Instinct magazine party on Friday--because I don't know what to say to people, I'm terribly out of shape, and I just feel like a complete tool for even thinking that I would have fun. I don't think I want to leave the house if I don't have to, becuase the outside world scares me so much. I don't know..