CELB!

Jesse from Bravo's Workout and myself.

THE LEGION IS GONE

After 4 years, DC Comics re-launch of one of my favorite comic books--LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES is being cancelled with issue #50. Thank the Lord.

DC needed to realize that this book was a joke and had been for a long time. The costumes were awful, the villains were dull, and the story lines sucked. Where is the real Legion?

Avengers?

I'm really just not very happy with all of the comic books being
produced by Marvel Comics lately and I am seriously considering
dropping a lot of Marvel titles. First of all, if the Avengers titles are their best-selling books--why not give the fans what they want to see? We want the Avengers! Not flashback stories of the Skrulls! I personally have not liked the "new" Avengers line-up for two years. Don't get me wrong--before we discovered that Spider-Woman was a Skrull, I found her to be a great addition to the team and have always liked the character, but Wolverine? I'm sorry
but I hated that idea from the start. My ideal membership for the Avengers title would be: Captain America, Spider-Woman, Beast, Vision, Ms. Marvel, Thor, and Hawkeye.

HELLFIRE DOES

I know that a lot of you are so sick about hearing me bitch about The Quilter, but last night before I went out on the town with Alex and Paul I came to an honest realization that any type of relationship with him (friends or lovers) is bad for me. My recent hospitalization proved to me that he doesn't care for me--he's just using me to pass the time until his Bi-Sexual Boyfriend makes up his mind about what he wants to do and I deserve so much better than that. The fact that he allowed Chris "I will only be sloppy seconds" Bob to post a picture of a dead Care Bear and a Nazi Care Bear on his myspace page and not delete it ( and then later tell me it was funny) only speaks negatively about his character. The final straw was when he allowed Chris Bob to post a comment that stated I was crazy was not only disrespectful, but hurt me as well. I'm not crazy. Things would be easier if I was, but folks, I'm not. When I was in the hospital I had a lot of time to think about things and I came to the conclusion that Quilter is NOT a person I would want to be with for the rest of my life. He's always telling me that I am "so high school" , but he never points that finger at himself. Besides, if I was in high school--wouldn't Chris "I'm creepy!" Bob be after me? I'm not going to engage in a petty little argument with these two negative people any longer. My friends, encourage me to stay the FUCK away from Quilter, because he is not good for me. Nothing lasts forever...

The Letter

Last night I received an e-mail from The Quilter. I thought I would be a complete dickhead and let you all read it:

Hey there. How's it going. Did you make it back to work yet? (No, but you would know that if you bothered to call me!)I hope so, my birthday is coming up and well you know, Audi! I was thinking about when you were "gone" (hospital) I had changed my status to say "It's nothing an Audi couldn't fix!" It was after your message you had left me (I did leave him a nasty message) and I had yelled at you on the phone. Anyways I was realizing you probably never got to see that status. I thought it was cute and would make you laugh or at least smile, yet you didn't see it. Christopher I want you to be okay. ( I will be okay because I have a wonderful family and the greatest friends in the world)I want you to be happy.After reading your newest blog it really makes me wonder if your going to be okay. (Not this blog, he is referring to a blog on Myspace that I wrote about the movie THE BREED which sucked, but I still have no clue as to why it would make him think I was depressed!)I know you expect more out of me, but I'm really at a loss of what to do or say.(He' s right--I did expect more out of him!) My feelings are so knotted up and confusing. (Imagine how I feel! )There are so many things that happen in any given day that make me think of you. (Well, fuck me!) I usually smile. I have never had these feelings. (Really? Bi-Sexual Boyfriend was your passion for 8 years, right?)I was serious on Saturday when I said I wish we were dancing. (Wow! Thanks for being there during the bad times!)What are we suppose to do? ( You can apologize for telling Paul that you are going to kick his ass when you see him. You can stop trying to play head games with me and move on to your next victim. You can apologize for all of the bad things that you have done and find your own inner peace.)What am I suppose to do? (Stop bothering me with this bullshit)

OLD SCHOOL CRUSH

My friend Vyktor posted a blog featuring his old school
crush, so I thought I'd be bold and confess the real reason as to why I loved watching THE HARDY BOYS/NANCY DREW MYSTERIES: Parker Stevenson

RETURNS

As I attempt to put my life back together and begin a new chapter in my life, I am troubled by the fact that I cannot (or will not) escape the Quilter. Please believe me that I am not doing this on purpose, but he will send me text messages everyday! They are usually about some random topic (for example, " I really miss going dancing on Saturday night with you guys!" or Strange little things remind me of you! "). Instead of ignoring them, I usually will respond to those messages and will later feel like shit because I know how he really feels about me. He's like fuckin' Jason from FRIDAY THE 13Th--you think he's dead at the end of the movie, but magically he returns for a sequel. I need to be strong and tell him to go to hell, but I don't. Maybe I like the abuse? God, I hope not....

TERRA

In the fifth grade, the hottest comic book to get a hold of was New Teen Titans Annual #3. This was issue where the Titans finally learned that Terra--their trusted youngest member evil and wanted them all to die as painfully as possible. Sadly, hearts were broken and trust was lost for in the end Terra eventually destroyed herself. This entire act of betrayal on Chris (I became a mormon to sleep with some guy) Lowe really has me troubled. Am I too trusting or am I just so desperate for friends that I just am blind to bad people? The sad thing is that I really don't hate him as much as you might think I do (or should). Quilter is just going to eventually fuck him over, so maybe I will just sit back and watch.

LIFE BEGINS

"..I tried to call, but my pride wouldn't let me dial!"
For those of you who know me, you'll agree that I am not the biggest fan of rap music. So, you must be surprised that I quoting a line from the song Last Night by P. Diddy. I love that
song-- it just makes me want to get up and dance. I think that line is very important in my right now, so that's why I want to share it with you.
Life is about change and I have not wanted to change for many years now. The reasons are many: fear, comfort, loneliness, regret, and all the other excuses that we all use to stay in the same place. I met someone about a year ago who made me want to change all of that. This person inspired me to believe in myself and told me to be brave about the future, because he too, was in the same place as me at one point not to long ago.
And I did it. I took my first baby step out into the big world by myself and thought that everything would be okay because this person was going to be there right beside me, but that's where I went wrong. He was just as scared as I was, but he wasn't able to admit it to himself. You see, my biggest fault is that I see all of my truths because I am unable to hide from them, while this fella is unable to see his truths because he is able to hide from them. See the difference?
In my darkest hour of need, those of you who loved me were there for me: my family. All of you seemed to know that I needed that visit, blog comment, phone call, MySpace comment, instant message, phone text, and hug. It was important then and it still is, because I am still afraid of change--but I will overcome that fear, but I won't do it alone. I'm not alone because I have YOU to help me up when I fall, to hug me when I am sad, or love me when I need to be loved.
I thought that all I needed was this person to call or visit me, but (I can only assume) his pride (or fear) wouldn't let him dial my number. Maybe it is just easier for him to twist the truth because he knows what he did was wrong and he can't face me now. It hurts. It hurts that things we shared together are now public for people to laugh and talk about, but what the hell--I write blogs that people from all over the world read and seem to enjoy, so I am just as guilty.
I hope that all of this makes sense to some of you. What I am trying to say is that drama just clouds up your day and keeps you from enjoying the sunshine. Life is better when you take the journey with your family. I don't hate this person--far from it. I just want the best for him and myself. I am ready for change now. Please come with me...

I have a confession to make..

I am so incredibly thankful that the Quilter was able to discover the real reason behind my depression or my "mind-fuck" as he puts it. I am in love with my best friend Paul. In fact, he's all I think about and I am so sexually repressed (my words, not Quilter's) that it was the reason for last week's incident. As all of you know, Paul has so many qualities that I look for in a man. Here is a short list of why I am madly in love with Paul:

1. You all know that I find fart jokes funny.

2. He's in love with Chris P. and can't stop talking about him! Mmmm!I find being a home wrecker is hot!

3. Men who find Scary Movie 3 & 4 to be classic films are super sexy

4. Alternative music--LOVE IT!

5. His feet--Yummy!

Thank you so much for helping realize me feelings, Quilter!

Paul's Birthday Party

Although I know all of you love to hear about my bitching about the Quilter--I thought I would give it a rest for the evening and talk about something that I am really looking forward to in October: Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios! Last year Tim and I took Paul there to celebrate his birthday and we're doing it again this year for his birthday-- only this time the whole gang is gonna be there! The guest list includes myself, Tim, Alex, Paul, Chris P. (Paul's other half), and Chris "I love 21 year old guys because I have no self-esteem" Lowe! Oh, wait! Fuck him! He's not going!

I actually prefer Universal Studios Halloween Horror Night to Knott's Berry Farm Halloween Horror Haunt for many different reasons:

1. Universal Studios want to scare you, not make you laugh like Knott's.

2. Universal Studios makes you feel like you are in a horror movie! No place is safe! Knott's has

'scare areas' where you can expect there to be chills. That's boring!

3. Universal Studios has Freddy, Jason, and Leatherface! Knott's used to have Elvira, but now has crap. Freddy scares me more than crap!

4. The Jurassic Park ride is sooo fucking scary in the dark!!

5. The actors working at Universal Studios have no problem letting you know that they are homosexual. Just ask Paul about last year and the 'ghoul' who came on to him!

LIKE A FLASH

Talk about QUICK! I know that I am pretty popular and word of my recent depression is the talk of the town, but really! This that the sorta thing you talk about on a first date? Not me. I usually talk about movies I like or where I see myself in 5 years--but I've never talked about people I've slept with or fucked over on THE FIRST DATE. How droll.

DINNER WITH THE DEVIL

I wanted to tell you all that the Quilter called me yesterday. Apparently he's not too sure if he wants to be with me because he feels that I am a little too unstable right now. He was also kind enough to share with me that he didn't come to visit me in the hospital because he "..was so mad at me!" and he didn't want to deal with Paul in the visiting room (everyone knows that Paul is so mean). Oh, yes--he hasn't come to visit me either because apparently things are SOOOO busy at Quilter's Haven (the shop that him and his mom own) that he just can't get away! It is a good thing that he was able to find time to have dinner with Chris "I'm gonna fuck my friends over for dick" Lowe. This is the man I want to spend my life with!

Can't Sleep

1. Bleu Cheese?
Yum! My favorite salad dressing!!

2. Have you ever smoked?
Yuck! Never!

3. Do you own a gun?
I have never fired one--I am afraid of them!

4. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?
Black Cherry or Grape.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
I'm too busy reading the crappy magazines in the lobby to be nervous!!

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
They hae a bad reputation. I like 'em!

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Miracle on 34th Street

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Hot chocolate, but only during cold days.

9. Can you do push ups?
No. Not even one.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelery?
My dad's ring from when he was in the Navy.

11. Favorite hobby?
I collect comic book and love scary movies.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
I might.

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts?
No. I had surgery on my eyes so no more glasses for me!

14. Middle names? Gerard

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? My friends, my folks, and comics.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Root Bear, Diet Cherry Pepsi, and Diet Dr. Pepper.

17. Current worry? My weight.

18. Current hate right now? Writer's block!

19. Favorite place to be? Home!

20. How did you bring in the New Year? With my pals!

21. Where would you like to go? Disneyworld, Greece, and New York.

22. Name three people who will complete this? My friends already did.

23. Do you own slippers? Own them, but always forget to wear them.

24. What shirt are you wearing? Not wearing one right now.

25. Where will you be spending Christmas? With family

26. Can you whistle? Nope.

27. Favorite color? Green!

28. Would you be a pirate? Sure, but I need a cool sword first!

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Um, I have never thought about it.

30. Favorite Girl’s Name? Athena

31. Favorite Boy’s name? Daniel

32. What’s in your pocket right now? Nothing...

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Gossip Girl on DVD

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Car accident one year ago.

36. Do you love where you live? Oh yes!

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two

Name 3 other words for penis: Cock, prick, and rod.

39. Name 3 other words for vagina: Yuck! I don't even know about that one!

40. Name 3 other words for Tits: Dirty pillows, knockers, boobies.

SO SAD

Last Wednesday, I experienced perhaps one of the most painful events in my life because I chose to give up the fight and attempt to kill myself.





For some of you this may come as a shock, but I believe that for most of you who really know me will say that you saw it coming. The pressures of my job, my family, my relationships, Quilter (let's all be honest--you know I was still talking to him!), and my entire world seemed to all spiral out of control.





It was truly a dark moment for me as I my mind mentally collapsed and I was truly in a dark place. Although I really do not remember much of what went on Wednesday night, I do recall that my parents, Tim, Alex, and Paul were all by my bedside. The next day my family and therapist both agreed that I was in need of professional health care and I was admitted to a hospital for 4 days so that I could get some help. I was angry and did not want to go, but it was either that or they were going to call the police and have them take me in.





My family and friends that were told of my situation, all made it a point to either visit or call me every single day. Without them, I think I would not have been able to see this challenge all of the way through. I am truly blessed to be loved my so many people who care about me.



I even called Quilter and asked him to come and visit me, but as most of you have already guessed--he didn't show or even call me while I was in the hospital. In fact, he proceed to tell me that his own mother attempted suicide 3 years ago and that he thought that it was the most selfish thing that a person could do. He then blamed me for "trying to get back at him for breaking up with me" back in March. I believed in him though. I thought that he was going to be my 'hero' and come to visit (or fuck, even call me!), but he didn't do any of those things. In fact, I have come to the recent knowledge that my friend Chris L. and Quilter are now dating each other--which I'm happy for, because I think they will celebrate many long years of happiness together.

Excuse me--just one second.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HO HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEE HA!

My heart hurts that he couldn't even come to visit me or even call me. If Quilter wants to date that creepy looking bald guy from the Sarah Silverman Show, then he should. I just don't want any part of it and really don' t need anymore negative influences in my life right now.

Last night (Monday), the doctors felt comfortable releasing me from the hospital and my boys came and took me home. I'm actually going to stop writing now and take a nap.

I love you guys...

90210

I am really excited about the new 90210, but I really doubt that it will be able to capture the magic of the original.