"..I tried to call, but my pride wouldn't let me dial!"
For those of you who know me, you'll agree that I am not the biggest fan of rap music. So, you must be surprised that I quoting a line from the song Last Night by P. Diddy. I love that
song-- it just makes me want to get up and dance. I think that line is very important in my right now, so that's why I want to share it with you.
Life is about change and I have not wanted to change for many years now. The reasons are many: fear, comfort, loneliness, regret, and all the other excuses that we all use to stay in the same place. I met someone about a year ago who made me want to change all of that. This person inspired me to believe in myself and told me to be brave about the future, because he too, was in the same place as me at one point not to long ago.
And I did it. I took my first baby step out into the big world by myself and thought that everything would be okay because this person was going to be there right beside me, but that's where I went wrong. He was just as scared as I was, but he wasn't able to admit it to himself. You see, my biggest fault is that I see all of my truths because I am unable to hide from them, while this fella is unable to see his truths because he is able to hide from them. See the difference?
In my darkest hour of need, those of you who loved me were there for me: my family. All of you seemed to know that I needed that visit, blog comment, phone call, MySpace comment, instant message, phone text, and hug. It was important then and it still is, because I am still afraid of change--but I will overcome that fear, but I won't do it alone. I'm not alone because I have YOU to help me up when I fall, to hug me when I am sad, or love me when I need to be loved.
I thought that all I needed was this person to call or visit me, but (I can only assume) his pride (or fear) wouldn't let him dial my number. Maybe it is just easier for him to twist the truth because he knows what he did was wrong and he can't face me now. It hurts. It hurts that things we shared together are now public for people to laugh and talk about, but what the hell--I write blogs that people from all over the world read and seem to enjoy, so I am just as guilty.
I hope that all of this makes sense to some of you. What I am trying to say is that drama just clouds up your day and keeps you from enjoying the sunshine. Life is better when you take the journey with your family. I don't hate this person--far from it. I just want the best for him and myself. I am ready for change now. Please come with me...