HELLFIRE DOES..

Dear Quilter,

Wow! It was so great to see you and Bi-Sexual Boyfriend at the bar last night. I wonder if he knows you've still been calling me up and telling me that you loved me? You couldn't take your eyes off of me--and I don't blame you! The text message today was priceless! Paul and I were laughing! Did you really think I was going to meet you for breakfast? Geez, you are an idiot and a coward, 'cause only a PUSSY sends a text telling someone not to call them ever again. Hey! No no wonder Bi-Sexual Boyfriend is with you! You're a PUSSY and that's what Bi-Sexual Boyfriend likes to eat! In case you're wondering, dear readers, I am a meat eater ONLY! Here's some advice for the future:

1. Stop wearing that fucking white pirate shirt! You look like a HUGE dipshit with that shirt and feathered hair.

2. Invest in Long John Silver's! Your man likes fish.

3. Don't say the following: Honey, girlfriend, or dear heart. You sound totally gay.

4. Your brother is SUPER cute. I hope to meet him.

5. Anal Leakage. Need I say more?