Party

Tonight I went to the birthday party of an old friend from my days at Target. It was really nice to see all of them and bring Alex and Tim along for the ride. Afterwards, Alex and I wanted to go dancing, but that was impossible due to the fact that the music sucked and there were 3 fights! After an hour and a half--we split. I was afraid that I was going to run into the Quilter and Greg for most of the night. What was I going to say? What was I going to do? I know in my heart that I made the right decision on staying with Tim--I just wished it didn't hurt so bad. Is something lacking in my life/relationship that's causing me to make decisions that hurt people? I'm not getting any younger, but I often feel like I am trapped in my early 20's--not knowing what to do.
I wish there was a book that would tell me what to do in cases like these.

TIME FOR CHANGE

Faithful readers of my blog know about the problems that Tim and I have been having in our relationship. I told my parents that I was leaving him and my mother asked me if I was walking away knowing that I tried 100% to make the relationship work. It shocked me when she said that because I know that I had not been. With the Quilter (yes, him again) in the picture I have been thinking about my life and future with him than I had with Tim. I wrote the Quilter a very nice letter--asking him not to call me anymore, because I wanted to devote my energies towards Tim and make sure that I gave him 100% of myself before I called it quits. I'm really proud of myself. I sometimes think that I love the Quilter, but usually I find that I'm in love with a lot of smoke and mirrors that the Quilter gives me. I love Tim so much and the only way to make it work is to cut out the parts of my life that were getting in the way of things. I think I did the right thing.

This picture makes me feel good.

Protest

I just wanted to update all of you on how our protesting of PROP 8 went last week. First of all, I thought it was wonderful that we had more than 100 people to show their support on No On 8, although it seems to be the same people at every single rally. I suppose some people in the community just like to sit at home while others fight for them, but who am I to judge?

There weren't very many people booing us this time around although one car did shout "Men love women!" to which some tiny lesbian shouted "Fuck men!" and was quickly attacked a woman who claims to be "Bakersfield's Oldest Lesbian"--and I challenged her on that as I said my father is from Lesbos and is 84, thus making him"Bakersfield's Oldest Lesbian". She didn't find that as funny as I did, but maybe my humor is not for everyone.

He loves me/He loves me not

Tonight I finally talked to Tim about our relationship. He asked me why I seem so distant from him and I finally said it. I told him that although I love him, I told him that I am no longer in love with him. I never understood what that saying meant until tonight.

He really didn't say anything. He asked me if there was someone else and I said "no". He told me that he loved me very much and thinks that maybe my pills that I am on are 'playing' with my mind. Are they? Why has our relationship evolved to the point to where I see him as my brother and not as my lover?

Tim is a great man, but I don't love him anymore. Now where do I go from here?

AVATAR

This afternoon, Tim and I went to go see the blockbuster film AVATAR in 3-D. I have to be honest with all of you--I was not impressed. Within 15 minutes of the movie, the projector went dead and they gave us free passes to see the show and then pushed us into a different show to watch it. I was so bored--it seemed like I had seen the story before and I just could not get in to the movie. So, feel free to attack me for not being a fan--everyone else is. Yes, the special effects are Oscar worthy--but I'd rather rent it then spend $22.00 to see this one.

Bad Mood

But he is, isn't he?

I mean, why do we even bother trying? I love Tim, but I am no longer "in" love with him. We don't have sex (going on 2 years in March), we don't really talk about anything important--and he has never given me a real reason to not be with him. Why am I not happy? What the fuck is wrong with me? Everyone around me seems to be so happy in love while I'm in pain. It hurts.