BRAWL AT THE 80's

I was invited by The Quilter's current boyfriend Potato-Head to attend an "80's Prom" last Friday night. The prom was at a popular bar, so I took my boys Alex and Jon with me. When we got there, the first think I noticed was that everyone was in costume (80's styles) and Potato-Head and Quilter were both in tuxedos with ruffles (which were not in style in the 80's, but whatever...). Knowing that perhaps this was perhaps a set up, I took off my jacket to reveal my GOONS t-shirt. I loved the music the band was playing, so I grabbed Alex by the hand and proceeded to lead him to the dance floor where we danced the entire night away--much to the dismay of Potato-Head who noticed that The Quilter couldn't get off my jock. They ended up leaving, but we continued to dance the night away. The next day, Potato-Head called to see if he could come over the comic book store to talk to me (I said "yes", but he never came). I'm finding that facing my fears instead of running away from them all of the time is working out much better for me. I have no clue as to why it was so important to Potato-Head to invite me, but I'm sure glad that he did.

Girlfight Tonight

Divas!

You would not believe the wild night I had with Paul and Alex last night! Quilter and (new boyfriend) Greg came to the night club last night to try and get some sort of a reaction out of me, but failed! Why? Because when they were making out or dancing closely to me Alex and Pual bloked them so I couldn't see them--and they ended up leaving. For those of you who are new to the story, I had met Greg a while back when he was dating one of Juan's friends. I thought he was such a sweet guy, until he started seeing Quilter. He sent me several texts that night asking what club I was going to be at and when he saw me, he made a large production over giving me a hug! Kids, I might be ugly, fat, and bald--but I'm sure as fuck not that stupid to believe he really wants to be friends with me. I don't think I have ever been that vindictive to act like I'm your friend, when all along I'm just trying to cause drama. I'm so glad that Paul and Alex didn't let me see the show. I feel so much stronger than I have in a long time. I love my friends!

Party

Tonight I went to the birthday party of an old friend from my days at Target. It was really nice to see all of them and bring Alex and Tim along for the ride. Afterwards, Alex and I wanted to go dancing, but that was impossible due to the fact that the music sucked and there were 3 fights! After an hour and a half--we split. I was afraid that I was going to run into the Quilter and Greg for most of the night. What was I going to say? What was I going to do? I know in my heart that I made the right decision on staying with Tim--I just wished it didn't hurt so bad. Is something lacking in my life/relationship that's causing me to make decisions that hurt people? I'm not getting any younger, but I often feel like I am trapped in my early 20's--not knowing what to do.
I wish there was a book that would tell me what to do in cases like these.

TIME FOR CHANGE

Faithful readers of my blog know about the problems that Tim and I have been having in our relationship. I told my parents that I was leaving him and my mother asked me if I was walking away knowing that I tried 100% to make the relationship work. It shocked me when she said that because I know that I had not been. With the Quilter (yes, him again) in the picture I have been thinking about my life and future with him than I had with Tim. I wrote the Quilter a very nice letter--asking him not to call me anymore, because I wanted to devote my energies towards Tim and make sure that I gave him 100% of myself before I called it quits. I'm really proud of myself. I sometimes think that I love the Quilter, but usually I find that I'm in love with a lot of smoke and mirrors that the Quilter gives me. I love Tim so much and the only way to make it work is to cut out the parts of my life that were getting in the way of things. I think I did the right thing.

This picture makes me feel good.

Protest

I just wanted to update all of you on how our protesting of PROP 8 went last week. First of all, I thought it was wonderful that we had more than 100 people to show their support on No On 8, although it seems to be the same people at every single rally. I suppose some people in the community just like to sit at home while others fight for them, but who am I to judge?

There weren't very many people booing us this time around although one car did shout "Men love women!" to which some tiny lesbian shouted "Fuck men!" and was quickly attacked a woman who claims to be "Bakersfield's Oldest Lesbian"--and I challenged her on that as I said my father is from Lesbos and is 84, thus making him"Bakersfield's Oldest Lesbian". She didn't find that as funny as I did, but maybe my humor is not for everyone.

He loves me/He loves me not

Tonight I finally talked to Tim about our relationship. He asked me why I seem so distant from him and I finally said it. I told him that although I love him, I told him that I am no longer in love with him. I never understood what that saying meant until tonight.

He really didn't say anything. He asked me if there was someone else and I said "no". He told me that he loved me very much and thinks that maybe my pills that I am on are 'playing' with my mind. Are they? Why has our relationship evolved to the point to where I see him as my brother and not as my lover?

Tim is a great man, but I don't love him anymore. Now where do I go from here?

AVATAR

This afternoon, Tim and I went to go see the blockbuster film AVATAR in 3-D. I have to be honest with all of you--I was not impressed. Within 15 minutes of the movie, the projector went dead and they gave us free passes to see the show and then pushed us into a different show to watch it. I was so bored--it seemed like I had seen the story before and I just could not get in to the movie. So, feel free to attack me for not being a fan--everyone else is. Yes, the special effects are Oscar worthy--but I'd rather rent it then spend $22.00 to see this one.

Bad Mood

But he is, isn't he?

I mean, why do we even bother trying? I love Tim, but I am no longer "in" love with him. We don't have sex (going on 2 years in March), we don't really talk about anything important--and he has never given me a real reason to not be with him. Why am I not happy? What the fuck is wrong with me? Everyone around me seems to be so happy in love while I'm in pain. It hurts.

CHRISTMANS

Ah, another Christmas Day is upon us--only this one seems so much better than last year's Christmas Day. I just feel so much better this year and am actually looking forward to seeing my family and walking the neighborhood looking at all the holiday lights with Tim. Tim did a fantastic job this year of getting me every single thing that I asked for (except for THE CHEETAH t-shirt, which was sold out of). Today we're just going to spend together with family and have a nice turkey dinner with my folks. What did everyone else do for their holiday?

ZZZZ

I've known this for sometime now, but my blog is in trouble. No one even bothers to read it (accept for Vyktor) and although it is a good way for me to release stress, I am very jealous that Vyktor's blog is so FUCKING popular. What's his trick? What can I do better? Is mine really that boring?

BEVERLY HILLS ZOMBIE

Today is Juan's birthday and he's going all out for it--spending money like a drunken sailor (as my father would say). We're spending the night in some 4 star hotel in Beverly Hills and he's rented a private area for his actual birthday "party" at some club called THE ABBEY, which everyone has made it a point to tell me that it is the hottest club in West Hollywood. Although I know Juan would like to see me in fashionable clothes for the DRIVE UP THERE--but that's not going to happen. I'll be wearing my JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA t-shirt. I mean, really! I'm going to be in a car for 2 hours! Why would I wear Ralph LAUREN for the drive, when I could be comfortable in my jeans and JLA shirt. Plus, I just don't want to be one of those West Hollywood crowd types that all look like each other. They look like zombies or creepy clones. I want to stand out from the crowd..

Ugh

I'm sure these kids are all very nice people, but I am SO sick of seeing them everywhere!

C H A N G E

Revenge. On movies or on television shows we cheer when the star "gets revenge" on the person who in some way wronged them. I have been thinking about revenge a lot as of late. Much like Homer Simpson-- I have a mental list of all of the people I wish to see karma come and bite them on the ass.
I wanted all of these people to pay: the evil girls from my former job who made my life hell, The Quilter, Chris Bob, and a handful of others who I think that revenge is a dish best served cold. I wanted them to hurt like I have hurt and to cry as I have cried.
For some reason, I forgave all of those people listed above and prayed for them and myself. Time is so short and keeping all of that hate in my heart wasn't psychologically healthy or physically healthy. I won't get better mentally until I am able to let go of this desire for revenge or the desire to hurt people. I've got to work on one person: me. I have to let it go and let my heart be open to the two thing I'm afraid of the most-- feeling love and being loved. I have to truly begin to heal.

AND THE QUESTION IS...

There is nothing I find more sexy in a gay man is confidence in his sexuality. So why do I hear about so many of gay friends telling me they kissed or fucked a "straight boy". What's that even mean? It seems to be the hottest thing in porn and in clubs and some people wear it like a badge. I don't want to be rude to anyone, but I don't get it? How are they straight if you're going down on them or vice versa? I find gay men strong and sexy, but is this "straight boy" thing just a fad or has this been going on for years?

V

This new version of "V" has been getting great reviews, but in my 5th grade mind--I wonder if it will ever be able to compete with the two original mini-series and television show. The new female lead villain looks like she has the right stuff, but can she compete with Jane Balder's Diana? I'm a little worried because ABC isn't really known for promoting their science fiction/horror shows. Let's hope that ABC gets it right this time!

I'll Fly Above It

There are many elements to being gay in Bakersfield and I often wonder if those elements are found in bigger cities. Just yesterday I received an e-mail from a person that I thought was my friend--who basically told me that he really doesn't like talking to me. He said that I follow him around like a "rock star groupie" and he doesn't like it and I needed to "get over it". I was in shock since Alex (my bff) and I talked to him about 2 months ago and everything was fine. Suddenly I became the spawn of Satan and he told me that he wanted nothing to do with me.

I wrote him back and apologized if I did or said something that might have been considered inappropriate. I ended the letter saying that I will assume this is our last conversation and I would not bother him any longer. Then he flipped out on me! Telling me about all of the pressure he's under at work, etc.

In the past I might have been deeply hurt and gotten very depressed, but not this time. I can't make his issues my issues. I just don't care enough about him to allow myself to fall into this "depression" trap. Progress. It is being made, kids.

HALLOWEEN

I'm going to be lLITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
for Halloween this year@

FUCK GAY PRIDE

First of all, let me begin by saying that I did not go to GAY PRIDE this year and that says quite a lot because one of my best friends Juan Cerda was involved in planning the event. I was told it was very nice, and I'm actually sorry that I didn't go.I did go to THE CASA and let me tell you that my experience there was not a good one. First of all, THE CASA has always had the policy of getting in free before 10 pm. My friend and I arrived there at 9:30 pm and I noticed that the people in front of me were paying. The cashier told that they were charging $10.00 admission tonight in honor of Pride. So, no matter what time you arrived--you were paying $10.00 to get in. The Casa is normally priced $7.00, so I then asked the cashier if the extra $3.00 was going to a local gay and lesbian charity and I was told "no". So where did that $3.00 go? It certainly didn't go to Ruben (the hardest and sweetest working bartender I have ever seen in my life) or to Michael (who keeps the place clean). There was no air conditioning--so it was hotter than hell in there, so it certainly didn't go there. I'll tell you where it went--into the pocket books of the people who own the CASA. Being the only gay and lesbian bar in town, they were able to make an extra profit on a very special day, which makes me sick to my stomach. The CASA isn't even worth $7 let alone $10, so they made a ton of extra money on Saturday.At past gay and lesbian "events", THE RAINBOW ROOM let people who had wristbands from events get into THE RAINBOW ROOM for free. Why do we continue to support an establishment that basically just fucked us for $3 extra dollars? I'm no longer going to THE CASA, which is sad because I have made a lot of great people there, but last Saturday pissed me off. Shame on them.

SINESTRO

Actor Jackie Earle Haley has been announced as an early favorite to play the evil SINESTRO in the GREEN LANTERN movie. I think he would be brilliant in the film!